Broken
by dk-joy
Summary: Careless words can kill. Past KakaIru. Check out my homepage for an update of this fic with lemons!
1. Broken

Warnings and Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. This fic contains angst, attempted suicide, shounen ai (KakaIru), language (once or twice), alcohol use, a near-death fic (!)

Broken

"You're just a quick fuck. You don't mean anything to me or anyone else." The words of his now ex-lover rang in Iruka's ears as he slowly walked back to his apartment. The Chuunin still couldn't believe that was the way Kakashi really felt. There was just no way…

Iruka's feet automatically took him back to his apartment while his mind viciously attacked the Jounin's words and hoped that he had somehow misinterpreted the "Copy Nin." But he couldn't think of any possible hidden meaning and he couldn't deny that the man who had said the words really was Kakashi, so he had to just take the words at face value. There was no getting around it. Kakashi really had just broken up with him.

It was Iruka's first relationship. Ever. No big deal. So what if he hadn't known what his sexual preference was until he responded to Kakashi's teasing voice. So what if Kakashi was the first and only person he'd ever had sex with. So what if Kakashi was the only one he'd ever loved and ever would love. So what if Iruka's heart was not just broken, but torn, shredded, slashed, smashed…

It hurt, but Iruka couldn't feel it. An odd sense of numbness was flowing over his entire body. He didn't feel the tears streaming down his cheeks. Didn't feel it when he fell to one knee, ripping his uniform and the skin underneath. He just got back up and continued on. When some punk purposely knocked into him, causing his face and arm to slam into the wall, he ignored the slight itch of blood dripping down his face and kept going.

When he got home, he closed the door gently so he wouldn't wake the neighbors at this late hour and immediately went to his kitchen. He opened the liquor cabinet that held a lot of alcohol that was seldom used. He took stock of what he had, shrugged, and took it all out. He counted about 30 different unopened bottles and another 10 that were only slightly used. He decided to have at least a sip of every single bottle.

After the first two shots, he already had a buzz. After the next three, he would have fallen if he had tried to get up. After another five, the light glinting off of his kunai's blade was immeasurably fascinating…

When he woke up, he was still in the kitchen. He had passed out on his back, arms out to his sides. It was a position he never slept in. He shifted uncomfortably, arms tingling, wanting to go back to sleep, but knowing that he had to report to the mission room for duty…sometime today. He was seriously considering calling in sick, but he couldn't think of any valid excuse. "I just got dumped by my boyfriend and I have a hangover. Can I stay home today, Hokage? My duty to the village is much less important than my own comfort." Thinking about it for longer than was really required, he discarded the idea and began the slow process of standing up.

As soon as he moved, he was assaulted by a smell that he couldn't identify right away, but it left him retching all over the floor anyway. He lay there panting a few minutes, hoping he was done heaving up the little he'd eaten for dinner the night before. His eyes were closed and sweat beaded on his forehead. He turned his head to see how much of a mess he had to clean up and was confused to see more red liquid than grayish semi-solids.

There was a pool of blood on his kitchen floor and he was in the center of it.

He tried to remember if he'd been injured the night before, perhaps by Kakashi, but nothing in his memory leaped out at him. He couldn't remember past his fifth drink. Discarding the idea that he had vomited that much blood, Iruka started to get up again, pushing against the floor with his forearms. He gasped as pain slammed through him, causing him to fall back to the floor, only half-conscious.

When the room stopped spinning, he slowly lifted his arms and stared in dismay at the deep, bloody gashes that covered his forearms, extending from his wrists to his elbows. He got light-headed just looking at them. He put his arms back down and wondered if he should call for help. Then he thought of what had happened the night before. Kakashi had dumped him like a sack of garbage. The one he loved had abandoned him. Brief thoughts of revenge flickered through his mind, but he ignored them.

He didn't want to hurt Kakashi back. Well…maybe a little. Maybe the best way to do that would be to act like nothing was wrong. He would go to work and if he saw Kakashi, he would smile. Nothing more. He would pretend he couldn't feel pain. He would laugh if the man made a joke and make sympathetic noises if he was hurt, but he wouldn't show how he really felt.

Mind made up, Iruka somehow found the strength to stand and walk slowly to the bathroom, intending to take a shower and wash off the stench of alcohol and blood that clung to him like a second skin. He almost screamed when the water first hit him. The warm water slamming into his wounds brought the forgotten memory of slicing his arms open back to his mind. He felt the same despair that had driven him before and almost dug his nails into the deep cuts to open them more. But he caught himself – told himself to wait and see Kakashi one more time. That's the real reason he wanted to go to work today. Not to hurt Kakashi, but to see him. And if he did, and he left and didn't say anything to Iruka, he would know that it really was over and he would give up. Completely.

Happy with his new conviction, Iruka got out of the shower, carefully dried off, and clumsily bandaged his forearms, blood staining them a deep crimson before he was even done wrapping them once. He pulled on his clothes – pants, shirt, vest, socks, shoes. He checked the clock and saw that he would be late if he didn't leave soon. He was out of the door before he realized that he didn't have his hitai-ate. He started to run back in, but instantly regretted it when he felt like throwing up again. He slowed down and calmly got his forehead protector, carefully tying it on, not even realizing that he hadn't put his hair up. He took a deep breath, walked to the door slowly, closed it behind him, and started the short walk to work.

_In the mission room…_

When Iruka walked in at 12:01 for his 12:00 shift, hair down, clothes dirty, hitai-ate crooked, bags under his eyes, the scar across his nose dark on his pale face, no one said anything about it. To him anyway. They were busy whispering to their friends about how they were glad Iruka was finally loosening up. For once he wasn't an hour early, hair shiny and bouncy in his fresh ponytail, clothes ironed and smelling of cinnamon. He looked dirty and tired and like he didn't want to be there. 'It's about time' is what they said.

Iruka didn't hear the whispers around him. The blissful numbness of the previous night was coming back and he was riding on waves of adrenaline as his body tried to keep him going. He walked slowly to his desk, stumbling slightly and falling gracelessly into his chair. He straightened himself up as much as he could and looked up to see if there was anyone waiting to receive a mission or turn in a mission report. Seeing no one, he put his head down on the desk and waited for someone to come to him.

It was a slow day. Sundays usually were. Nobody needed Iruka for anything, so he just kept his head down, eyes half-open as he watched the door. The door opened a few times to admit people wanting to talk to other people working the desk, but he just kept staring at the door. No one talked to Iruka or asked him how he was for three hours.

But a second before the clock struck 3:30, Iruka sat up suddenly and straightened himself up. The other ninja in the room looked up curiously, but didn't say anything. A second after he was done, the door opened and a group of Jounin came in, led by Hatake Kakashi.

Iruka was suddenly all smiles and acted like he hadn't just lain on his desk for three hours, staring into space.

Kakashi was talking to some of the people he had come in with, but his one visible eye was scanning the room. It stopped when he saw Iruka sitting there, face pale and worn-looking, fake smile plastered on his face. He paused mid-sentence, but then kept going, eye scanning the room once more, but coming to rest on the Chuunin quite often. At one point, he put a hand to his hitai-ate, as if he was contemplating revealing the Sharingan eye, but decided against it. When Kakashi was done talking to the other ninja, he briefly considered talking to Iruka, maybe teasing him a little. Or maybe even apologizing. But for some reason, he didn't think he could stand to be in the same room with the disheveled and broken man. So he left.

As soon as Kakashi walked out of the room, shutting the door behind him softly, Iruka slammed his fists on the table, causing many of the ninja in the room to jump at the unexpected noise. Iruka then surged to his feet, immediately regretting it as nausea assaulted him at the sudden movement. He clamped his hands to his mouth right before the buzzing in his ears started.

The slight hum soon became a dull roar, the blood rushing in his ears masking the concerned questions of the other ninja in the room. He didn't even hear Kakashi and the other people running back to see what the commotion was. By the time the door slammed open revealing Kakashi, Sharingan exposed, the slight lightening of Iruka's vision had become a blinding white and the Chuunin was falling face-first onto the desk. Kakashi only saw his ex-lover's paling features for a split-second before the man fell. His face was turned slightly toward the wall, one arm curled toward his abdomen, while the other dangled off of the desk, offering a small glimpse of white and brown cloth under his shirt. A few precious crimson drops fell quietly to the ground after rolling down his fingers before the weight of the Chuunin's long legs pulled him backwards and sent him crashing to the floor behind the table.

Documents splattered and smeared with blood fluttered to the ground soon after.

When he regained consciousness, Iruka saw a circle of familiar faces hovering over him. One in particular caught his attention – Kakashi. Knowing that he was watching intently, Iruka used a shaking hand to pull a kunai out of his vest and cut the sleeve of his shirt to reveal the bloodied bandages. Reveling in the shocked expressions and protestations of the other ninja, Iruka kept his eyes on Kakashi as he sliced the bandages off, revealing deep, bloody furrows in his arms. He summoned a grin from a dark place deep inside himself and smiled broadly at the famous "Copy Nin." Making sure he was still watching, he slammed the kunai into his left wrist. Iruka didn't feel Kakashi pulling him close to his chest. Didn't hear the man's anguished moan of pain and denial. Iruka didn't see the tears flowing from both of Kakashi's eyes as he sank gratefully into the darkness that rushed up to swallow him.

TBC?

Author's Note: Please review and tell me if you want me to continue! I could just leave it like this… but I'm not entirely happy with it. I might change some stuff and add other stuff…or not.

If I continue, the next chapter is gonna tell Kakashi's side of the story. I might let Iruka live if you review. Mwahahahaha!

But on a more serious note, I feel really bad for doing that to Iruka!

My original idea was to make this a non-KakaIru fic. I was gonna have someone find Iruka bleeding on the floor of his apt. with the door wide open (he was late for work and the Hokage sent someone to check on him.) The reason he tried to kill himself in that one was because Naruto told him to leave him alone and let him grow up. But I just couldn't get into that one as much – some ideas I had just wouldn't fit, so it became what it is now. He was definitely gonna live in that one, but I'm not so sure about this one. Maybe Kakashi deserves it for what he said about my Iruka!


	2. Kakashi's Choice

Warnings and Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. This fic contains angst, attempted suicide, yaoi (KakaIru), language, alcohol use, near-death, grown men crying, a masturbation scene (hehe…my first…couldn't help it!), a vicarious lemon (remembered moments)

For FFN users who want to see the the lemon - If you just click on my homepage, you'll be magically transported to AFFN – the yummy site that holds my lemons.

It surprised me how upset people were with Kakashi! Don't be mad at him! I'm here to clear his name and show that he had no other choice. He hurt himself as badly as he hurt Iruka…

Broken 2: Kakashi's Choice

_About three hours before Kakashi broke up with Iruka…_

"Your relationship with Iruka is a danger to the village. I order you to sever ties with him."

"W-What? Hokage-sama! You can't be serious…"

Hatake Kakashi walked slowly to his apartment, remembering the conversation he'd had with the Hokage just a few minutes earlier. The conversation that almost broke him. He knew that he would break later. But not yet. He couldn't break – not until he told Iruka that he meant nothing to him. He was ordered to kill. It was a mission like any other. But this time it wasn't an enemy ninja that he had to kill. It was his own heart. And the heart of the one he loved.

Kakashi stopped a few blocks from his apartment. He suddenly felt weak. He let himself lean against the building to his right, waiting for the dizziness to pass. When he felt like he could continue, he brought his hands up to his face, rubbing them roughly over his exposed eye and the mask that covered his nose and mouth. He was still feeling a little off and was going to lean on the building again, but stopped when he realized where he was. The building was Iruka's apartment.

He laughed: a sick, ironic bark. Whenever he felt like he couldn't go on, like life was too much for him, he would come here. He was following patterns of behavior that he would have to stop for good now. He couldn't go to Iruka when he needed comfort anymore. Not after what he was going to do to the Chuunin. He felt sick again at the thought of what he had to do, but didn't allow himself the luxury of resting. He started walking again.

He thought about everything the Hokage had said. Tried to find a way to get around it. He couldn't. His orders were to break up with Iruka. He wasn't allowed to tell him the real reason why. The Hokage knew them both well enough to know that if he told Iruka why, the Chuunin was persuasive enough to convince him that they could just hide their relationship. They could pretend to hate each other in public, carrying on their relationship in secret. But that wasn't good enough for the Hokage.

If he didn't break up with Iruka, Kakashi would be ordered to kill him. If he refused that order, someone else would be asked to do it. If he couldn't get anyone else to kill the Chuunin, the Hokage would do it himself. And he would make it as painful as he possibly could. Kakashi had no choice.

He had to either break up with his lover or let him be killed. He had no other options.

The Hokage was convinced that an enemy knew about their relationship and that if they stayed together, Iruka would eventually be used against him. Hokage thought that if someone kidnapped Iruka and told Kakashi that he would be hurt or killed if he didn't cooperate, Kakashi would do whatever they asked. Kakashi couldn't argue. He didn't know what he would do in that situation. He would have to choose between letting his lover die and betraying his village.

The choice was simple in his current situation: there was no question of betraying the village or not. No matter what he did, Iruka could no longer be used against him. Either Iruka hated him or Iruka died. A simple choice, really…

If Iruka died, there would be no chance for either of them to be happy. If Iruka lived, at least Iruka could find someone else…

The thought of Iruka in someone else's arms made his heart constrict painfully in his chest. But the thought of Iruka tortured or dying hurt far worse. There really was only one choice.

Kakashi realized he'd stopped walking while thinking about his choices, or lack thereof. He shook his head at himself and looked to see where he was. He laughed when he realized he was still only a block away from Iruka's apartment. He put his head in his hands and shuddered. He slid his hands back, rubbing them over his spiky, silver hair. He was starting to think he couldn't do this. But he knew there was no way out of it. Even if Kakashi himself were to die, Iruka would either kill himself or be killed by the Hokage. His hands clenched in his hair, pulling uncomfortably against his scalp. He shut his eyes tight to keep the tears that threatened to come from spilling out.

He sighed, loosened his grip on his hair, and turned to take one last look at Iruka's apartment. The apartment he would never be spending the night in ever again. His visible blue eye watered and he turned back around, facing toward his apartment several blocks away. He started walking again. There was nothing else he could do.

When he finally got to his place, it had been an hour since his conversation with the Hokage. He looked at his clock and saw that it was four. In two hours Iruka would come here, not realizing that his lover was about to throw him out and tell him… what would he say? How could he do this? What would convince Iruka that he was serious? How could he look the Chuunin in the eye and tell him that he didn't want him anymore without breaking? Kakashi decided to think about it in the shower.

He got undressed and stepped under the steaming water. He winced at the heat, but didn't turn any cold water on. A few minutes later, he started regretting that decision.

While washing his hair, he tried to think of how he could harden his heart and convince Iruka that he didn't love him anymore. Had never loved him. The only way he could think of to do that was to insult the Chuunin so much that he ended up hating him. He had to say something to piss Iruka off so much that he couldn't help but believe Kakashi. But what? He tried to picture the Chuunin. Maybe he could think of something about his appearance to insult.

(See my "homepage" to read the lemon that goes here…)

Kakashi couldn't help thinking about their first time together…

They had only been hanging out for a week or two when Iruka came up to him one day. Blushing.

"What's up, Iruka-sensei?" Kakashi asked with a grin. He was delighted when the dark-skinned little Chuunin just blushed a darker shade of crimson.

"Ummm… nothing much, Kakashi-sensei." The sometimes-shy man replied. Then he took a deep breath. "Wannagooutwithme?" Kakashi thought he heard right, but he wanted to make sure.

"What did you say?" He asked gently, not wanting to embarrass the teacher too much. It had the opposite effect.

"N-nothing, s-sir." The Chuunin immediately turned around, giving Kakashi a tantalizing view of that pert little rear before the Jounin finally realized that Iruka had walked away without asking him out.

"Shit!" Kakashi cursed silently and tried to think of the best way to approach a skittish dolphin. After a few minutes of thinking about how much he'd like to grab said dolphin's butt, he decided that planning this wouldn't work and he would just have to go with the flow. So he disappeared just to reappear in front of Iruka. Iruka gave a startled gasp before back-pedaling so quickly that he lost his balance. Kakashi automatically reached out to grab the Chuunin around the waist to prevent him from falling. When that threatened _his_ balance, he moved his weight back toward Iruka, accidentally rubbing his erection against… Iruka's?

Kakashi knew he was good, but he didn't think he was that good! Elated, he almost forgot that he was dealing with a skittish Chuunin. Said Chuunin reminded him. Forcefully.

SMACK

Kakashi's visible cheek glowed a bright red from the slap. "Nice one, Iruka-sensei!" He told the stunned Chuunin. Iruka somehow managed to blush even more. So cute! "It's all right. I understand. We are in a public place, after all. If you want, we could go to my place and…"

He was expecting another slap. He wasn't expecting Iruka to smile brightly before grabbing his hand and all but dragging him toward his house. Kakashi was so surprised that he just followed obediently. Not that there was anyway he would have complained.

When they finally reached his house (less than a minute later, despite the distance…), Iruka immediately started reaching for Kakashi to kiss him. "Wait until we're inside, dolphin." Kakashi impatiently/patiently told Iruka. Iruka turned yet another shade of red. Kakashi wondered if he were breaking some kind of record. He didn't think cherries got that red. The thought of cherries made Kakashi turn to Iruka and ask, "Is this your first time?"

Iruka stuttered a bit, but Kakashi was able to gather that yes, this was his first time and no, he didn't think he could wait five more minutes for Kakashi to open the door. Kakashi just stared at the delicious, horny man in front of him and slammed his fist into the door right next to the lock. He reached through the hole he'd made and unlocked the door from the inside before pulling it open and shoving the Chuunin in as fast as he could.

He didn't even give Iruka a chance to get his bearings before he was all over him.

(See my "homepage" again to read another lemon at this point…)

I love you.

They had never said the words, but they were always there. Lurking behind looks, gestures, and caresses. How could anyone not love someone like Iruka? So kind, caring, compassionate, cute, loving, sexy, tasty, passionate, delicious, and… Iruka. He was himself and so much more. The one he loved and his only weakness. The words were always there, but they'd never said them. Would never have a chance, now.

TBC?

A/N: Like I said in the fic, check out AFFN to see the whole story. Just click on my name at the top of the page, then click on my homepage (at that website, click on this fic and go to the second chapter.)

Thank you for reading! Please review.


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